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I Kan't Spell



Thursday, April 14, 2005

 
And the winner is....

Last night, as I do every Wednesday during baseball season, I went to Sean Bolan's right next to our house, for 1/2 priced burgers, and usually, the first 5 or 6 innings of the Oriole game and a couple Red Breasts and Guiness. Upon walking in, I was without phone, and hence was without my usuall burger sucking down partner, Fest (Mike).

So I'm sitting there chatting with the bartenders and talking shop about the Orioles to the usually misinformed, baseball illiterate, sissy namby pamby men, who eat their food there. And the bartender says,"Hey, we are giving away a keg of Becks to the winner of trivia tonight."
I reply, "Really? I may have to make some calls to play this retarded thing."

So I go home and get Mike, and I call Erin, and Mike brings Charbizz (or Charlotte, whatever you would like to call her.) They get there 30 minutes before 10. I have been fending off our empty chairs from future soccer moms and middle aged dads for hours.

"Can we use this chair."
"I'm sorry some people are coming."

1 hour later.

"Can we use this chair?"
"No, I'm afraid they are taken."

1 hour later

"Can we use this chair?"
"Negative." with a scowl...

The game is ending and the food tab is paid and the chairs have been procured and everyone is present. The best part about trivia is the team name. I don't play a lot of trivia but I have to say that the team name is just as vital to your enjoyment as winning. I have played with some pro trivia guys. As a matter of fact Doug's crew of pop culture freakish information junkies has to be one of the most intimidating group of trivia people ever. But the names, oh the names, they can be anything from a continuing saga of trying to fit the word "Jerk" into your team name to "Furburgler".

Team name example: "We don't believe in the constitution or any of it's principles "Jerk"." is a team name. Or - "The East Jerkstars."
Now while those names may not seem very awesome, and they aren't, the fact that they fit it in every week makes them regulars and gets them laughs.

So I am torn between self-promotion with "Junior Varsity Meat Market" or a slew of other possibilities. I had "Sammy's Syringe", "Ponson's Pussy Pounders", "We're from the streets bitch.", "I hate babies but I love cocaine", "Heroin is for pussys" - the list went on and on - in the past I have had such names as, "Sometimes you gotta race.", "Cosby Sweater", "Yut", "I have a 4 inch cock". Anything that gets you laughs is well worth the embarrassment or social awkwardness. I finally decided on "Lee Mazilli's Bastard Children" as the name.

They handed out little red tickets and said that they have changed the rules from "the winner gets the keg" to "the winner of the raffle gets the keg" Now this is a 200 dollar keg. This is a sweet keg of Becks. So I turn to Mike and say,

"Work the magic baby"
"Oh, oh, ohhhh, it's over."
"Sweet dude. You going to ask Adam?"
"Ohhh yeah Ohhhh yeah"

He waddles over. Throws a little fairy dust in the tenders ear and things look fine from my viewpoint.

I don't know how he does it, because honestly, when I try shit like that I come out all smarmy and needy. When Mike asks for that crap, people just give it to him. The fix is now in. We play trivia.

I ran the Caddy Shack category but fell apart on Sports and Drummers. I was ashamed.

The raffle comes. The bartender has the tickets in a peanut bucket and is mixing them around. When we gave him the tickets we put our names on the back. I wrote "Bret Holmes" on the back of my team's tickets. He is still swishing around his hand in the bucket and I think to myself, "Nah this looks almost legit. We didn't rig it." Then he pulls out his clenched fist and reads the "name" off the back and says, "Michael Jenkins". The bar gives a moderate round of applause. The bartenders give us a wink. We give them a 50 dollar tip. We now have a $200 keg of imported German beer in our house. You are all invited to come share in yet another 1414 festivities filled weekend....next weekend. Because this weekend, we have the Yankee series, Sliders, poker, and maybe even a little trip to AC.

Enjoy your day. Love Bret.

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